The 129th Annual Varsity Show

Columbia may be ranked 18th because of Professor Michael Thaddeus, but the students have more pressing problems.

Wilder, a freshman, meant to apply to Columbia College, Missouri. Damien Dartmouth’s family wanted him to go to, well, Dartmouth. Now they’re roommates, and while Wilder wants to transfer, Damien might get forced to. However, when Wilder meets their RA, Nola (short for Granola), he immediately falls in love. Maybe this school won’t be so bad after all.

Rachel and Joan are finally living together in the dorm of choice for any young couple: an EC double. Joan, a transfer student from Cornell LOVES Columbia, almost as much as Rachel LOVES Professor Thaddeus. And Rachel will do whatever it takes to impress him: apply to Columbia’s math PhD program, TA his class, or even expose her fellow students for cheating just like Thaddeus exposed the Admin.

Once the cheating scandal breaks, no “real” company is interested in hiring Columbia students. Worried about how this could impact Alumni Donations, Columbia Administrators, including the hungry for the spotlight Registrar Barry Kane, decide to prevent students from cheating the only logical way: Ban all Electricity from Campus. And to give the students a chance to prove to the world that they can learn without cheating, the Admin create the S.W.I.M. Test, or Students Without Internet Mechanisms… Test.

Summon the town crier, do laundry in the penis fountains, and enjoy candle lit nights in Butler. The whole school is mad at Rachel, and even Damien’s advice isn’t enough to help Wilder fit in. But can the students learn a thing or two from Wilder? Can Rachel and Joan put aside their differences to fix this? And can the students find a way to prove themselves without a series of useless tests?