The 125th Annual Varsity Show

The Columbia Administration has recently mandated that all students wear off-brand Heelys to cut time between classes, and now campus is abuzz with Heely-based protests. Opinions differ, but everyone is making their stance known. Well, everyone except Hannah Levine, who lives in the shadow of her best friend, campus celebrity Isabella “Izzy” Morales. 

When “Heelygate” devolves, well-intentioned Dean of Admissions Jessica Marinaccio and her power-hungry Regional Admissions Director Jason Mogen make an executive decision: it’s time to shut the Heely simulation down. 

Turns out, “Columbia” has actually been a series of simulations designed to create the ideal college experience. In each simulation there’s been one “tweak” made to improve Columbia. However, after 124 failed simulations, Marinaccio and Mogen have discovered one universal truth: no matter the improvements, Columbia students will always find a way to make themselves miserable. For simulation 125, they resolve to make the tweak as inconsequential as possible: banning milk from Columbia.  

And just as a milk demonstration threatens to burn Columbia to the ground, Dean Marinaccio and Jason Mogen decide it’s time to permanently end the simulation and tell the students the truth. 

Now, the entire Columbia student body must struggle to make sense of the fact that their college careers have been a lie. Every Columbia student—from campus icon to forgotten sidekick—must ask themselves the same question: when all else has been stripped away, what really matters and what isn’t worth the sweat?